thoughts on grief.

Today marks twenty years since my dad passed away. Two decades ago, I was a month away from turning thirteen when my life changed in ways I could have never imagined.

Lately, I've done a lot reflecting and reading on grief. With the looming twenty-year anniversary, I've spent entirely too much time to pondering the events of that day, cherishing fond memories of my dad that I tightly hold near.

To be completely honest, I've struggled in the past couple of weeks with the approaching anniversary of his death. I've had a few dreams about him, leaving me feeling emotionally spent the next day. One evening a couple weeks back, as I drove to a site visit with cold air and rain pounding on my windshield in a lake town, memories of that cold, rainy February night flooded back - the lake, boats on the water, and volunteers searching the banks. My mom, sister, and I nestled in a cabin surrounded by family; my Mom’s attempt to shield us from the unfolding tragedy.

I wrestle with conflicting emotions, questioning why I still feel this way. Is it normal? Shouldn't I have moved on by now? It seems everyone else has (also incorrect, we all just deal with things in different ways). Why am I making a big deal out of this? Grow up, Taylor. People lose parents; that's the way life works. But grief is a lifelong journey, unique for everyone. We all cope with loss differently.

Acknowledging the loss, embracing the impact it has had on my life, and taking time to reminisce on memories are vital aspects of the grieving process. Loss, tragedy and grief have a way of shaping who we are, how we move through the world and how we show up in our lives.

In my case, it has fostered empathy, it’s made me someone who is always seeking meaningful moments, tightly holding onto those I love, celebrating life any chance I’m given. I believe this is the heartbeat behind my love for creating spaces and turning ordinary moments into extraordinary ones, especially with my nieces and nephews. I seize any opportunity to celebrate, inviting people to share moments at my table or wherever snacks and conversation and laughter can coincide.

That almost made grief sound delightful, right? I would be lying if I said it hasn't shaped who I am in some unhealthy ways (if my therapist reads this, hi👋🏻). Recently, I've been interviewing for jobs in other states - something that l've felt was the right move for me personally and professionally.

The thing about tragically losing a parent at a young age is that it has a way of teaching you just how precious time with family is - how no one is promised tomorrow. I've struggled for years with the thought of not being here for every holiday, birthdays, ball games, days when my people may need a place to escape for a bit.

I'm always envious of my friends who move to new, exciting cities and experience life on their own - (although I know this is equally as hard, and they surely still miss out on things). I'm all too aware that loss and grief have made it more challenging for me- but it’s something I’m currently navigating. We’ll see what the future holds.

Until then, I’ll be here- remembering my dad, going on walks through the dried up swamp with my grandfather while looking for turtle shells and whatever else I might find, making popcorn balls with my grandmother, gardening and creating with my mom, gathering people around my table any chance I’m given, loving on my nieces and nephews, making Easter baskets and snacks and running down a slip and slide like I’m a kid again- I’ll be roasting marshmallows and having impromptu dance parties in the living room and back porch. I’ll be living and remembering and savoring each and every moment.

Love you dad. Miss you always.